They Don't Understand
by Kingdomalith
Summary: Willow muses about her pain, and her actions regarding her relationship with Tara after she gets back from England.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Willow or Tara, they belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy whose initials spell ME so that's about as close to owning them as I'd ever get!  
A/N: Just Willow musing about her life, Tara, and the pain that comes from both.  
Setting: S7, Post-Same Time Same Place  
****Feedback: Yes please! Share your opinions, constructive criticism, anything!**

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The rest of the Scoobies don't understand.

Buffy, Xander, Dawn, Giles, and Anya don't know how it feels.

What I feel.

It's like I'm suffocating daily, like I'm constantly drowning in my sorrow while keeping a mask on my face. Sometimes I feel like the façade is slipping when that hole in my chest comes to the front of my mind, I feel empty like a void and there's nothing anyone could do.

I know that they would try to understand what I feel like if they could see my pain, but they can't. Not really.

Giles would probably the closest one to have felt what I feel right now, what I feel daily. He lost Jenny, he saw her dead body. The person he loved had died.

However Jenny is not Tara and Giles didn't watch Jenny as she took her last breath and died in his arms…

Goddess Tara I miss you so much.

I miss when you would look at me and everything would be okay, everything would work out because _you _were everything.

My everything.

I know how it sounds but you were my everything. There's no denying it, you Tara Maclay were the centre of my universe from day one and that never stopped. I never stopped loving you.

Even when you left because of me using Dark Magicks I never stopped. Even though it hurt so much… I know you left because I was horrible. I invaded your mind and erased those memories just like Glory, Goddess I was a horrible person and no amount of baked cookies could ever take away any of the guilt I felt from that.

The pain I felt from you leaving was a lot… I felt just like I did when I watched Oz walk out his dorm room for the last time. It was so reminiscent of that moment… I just… you left and I was so broken. It hurt so much more than when Oz left me… because I knew that the reason you had left was completely and utterly me.

Me myself and I, what a lovely bunch…

That moment though, when you came to my room and you said those words… "Can we just skip it? Can I just be kissing you now?" I was shocked that you would still want me. _Me, _Willow Rosenberg. The girl who had gotten so pathetic and addicted to the Dark Arts… It was like heaven when we kissed and I never wanted to let that moment end. I was yours and you were mine, everything was right again.

Warren didn't want to let that happen though.

The next day he walked into the backyard, guns blazing. He shot Buffy and you… you died almost instantly, but I had to save Buffy later in the hospital… after I lost control and let the magic free…

I guess saving Buffy was actually a point for me on the Good chart but I quickly lost that after I tortured, and flayed Warren alive. Essentially the flaying killed him.

I didn't stop my Dark Magick rampage after that though… I went after Jonathan and Andrew. I attacked some police officers and destroyed part of the building but by the time I had gotten in the cell Buffy had also busted them out. I chased after them of course but my Magick was running low… when I couldn't control the semi-truck that I was trying to ram into the police car Buffy, Xander, Jonathan, and Andrew were in I went to Rack's. I sucked all the Dark Magick out of his system… It felt so good but so empty… I knew the magic was affecting my judgement, it was making me evil and I let it.

I felt like a different person, it was as if the old Willow Rosenberg had died when Tara died and I was the new Willow Rosenberg that took her place complete with memories and all. Just like a vampire, a demon killed the old Willow Rosenberg and replaced her with a black-haired, black-eyed, black vein-y Willow Rosenberg.

Buffy and Dawn tried to face me, I threatened to turn Dawn back into the Key… Goddess I can't believe I did that… I love Dawnie like she's my daughter and little sister all in one…

Tara, baby, I hurt Giles. I hurt Buffy. I hurt Anya. I almost killed them all, and I tried to destroy the world. I…I went to a coven, in England. They helped me control the Dark Magick inside me and push it back so it wouldn't surface… but they told me it was in my system, it was inside me and it would always be there until day I died. I knew that was true… I felt it inside me, it taunted me, when I used magic it always called me to me baby but I fought it.

Aside from the Dark Magick rehab they gave me, they also helped me reconnect to the earth. They showed me so many things baby, everything in the world is connected. I meditate daily now, for at least an hour a day and even more since the Gnarl demon showed up in Sunnydale.

So I'm getting better baby, I still miss you and the pain still hurts so much but I am getting better. The hole in my chest isn't healing yet but maybe it will eventually, I know you wouldn't have wanted me to live unhappily Tara and I'm trying. Really, I am trying the best I can when I get up each day and put on my façade, when I bear through the horrible pain I feel each day and when I look at objects you owned or pictures of you.  
So cheers to you Tara, I love you as much as anyone could love their everything. You were my world and now you're gone, I feel lost each day that goes on but I have Buffy, Xander, Dawn, Giles, and even Anya to help me even if they don't realize that they're helping in the first place.

They can't understand what it's like to live everyday like I do with all the guilt, pain, and suffering I've caused or went through.

However they are my beacon of light in these hard times, guiding me towards my destiny.

They're helping me Tara. They still love me after all I've done and well…

I don't know how exactly, but I do know that I will keep that promise I made to you two years ago Tara.

I will always find you.


End file.
